I'M NOT REALLY INTO TEA AND SOLITUDE

Self-care is all the rage right now, and it’s about damn time. Dictionary.com defines self-care as: “care of the self without medical or other professional consultation." Fair enough. For years doctors have been telling me all my ills would go away if I had a better BMI. I’m a failure because I don’t floss after every meal. I’m a terrible mother because I let my children see that I have emotions, good and bad. That I experience failures and make mistakes, that I don’t have it all together and am just like them; trying my best.  

Ok “professionals” I see you. 

Of course; our own definition of self-care is as different as we are. Pinterest and Google can deliver long lists of self-care ideas; there seems to be a lot of tea and solitude. 

I practice a variety of self-care. Sometimes its laughing until I cry with my two best friends. Sometimes it’s a nap in the middle of the day. Sometimes its sitting in a bar, having a quiet drink, alone while I think. Sometimes it’s staying distant from people who have extreme political views. They will not change my mind and I will not change theirs; so, let’s just not. Ok? 

But I would like to challenge our thinking on what self-care is and who can administer it. Stay with me here, I can explain. The best action I have ever taken for my own self-care was deciding to marry my husband. 

He is self-care to me. 

Now I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, I am crazy in love with him; but I won’t. Because in truth, he is just a guy who wants to be kind and he loves me. He isn’t perfect and he isn’t some kind of hero. He doesn’t offer grand gestures or fancy gifts or flowery words or candles over dinner. He is just a good man; who wants to be kind. And he loves me; that means I get a lot of his attention. He thinks about my happiness, he wonders how my day is, he actively cares about my life. Actively. 

“Why did you run the dishwasher when it wasn’t full?” I ask.

“Because you were going to cook a big meal tonight and I wanted to make sure all the dishes you might need are clean.”

He looks out for me. He cares about me. He encourages me. He nurtures me. 

Actively.

He understands when I don’t want to clean the house and would rather binge GOT on the couch. He thinks I’m beautiful when I haven’t showered and I need to shave my legs and I’m wearing my glasses and I’m grumpy.  He isn’t just saying that, he means it.

And all of this kind, accepting attention means that I am worthy. He tells me in a million little ways, every day that I am special. He thinks about me. Actively. 

“But Tami, you are talking about what He does for you, that isn’t “self” care.” I hear ya. 

But I decided to say yes. I decided to put him and therefor myself first, for my own good. I have decided that for the rest of my life, our relationship will be my priority. He will come first; because I love him and he is good for me. 

So, when life is busy and I haven’t seen my best friends in 4 weeks and work is stressful and I don’t take the time to practice self-care; I still have him. I still receive a dose of care.

“Let me know when you are on your way home, I want to re-shovel your side of the driveway so it isn’t slick.” 

He is the best decision I have ever made and He is self-care to me. 

P.S. On this Valentine’s Day dear reader I would like to challenge you to take some time for reflection. To look at your most important relationships and ask the question, does this relationship feel like self-care?